In my head...

I'm very random today..and unfortunately in the midst of some of the funny randomness that is me (the fact that I think I smell like cat pee today), there is also alot of dark and twisty. I'm not sharing the dark and twisty since it's Halloween soon, I'm sharing it because it's one of those things that my head is full of that if I don't get out of my head I feel like I'll burst. And this is not a self pity post, but again, just a crack open my head and pour it out post.

-I'm a bad friend. Especially when I am pregnant(because my head is full of stuff). The reason I said Happy Birthday to you, it's because Facebook reminded me to. *guilty*

-I'm a horrible person that isn't more of a comfort to friends that need it. Friends that I honestly don't know what to say to because I haven't been in their shoes and because being how I am now (pregnant) I just feel like a sad reminder to them. I know and I tell myself to be better, but I'm just not sure where to start. Doesn't help that on top of wanting to reach out Madelyn gets sick, their son gets sick, etc.

-I'm terrified. There I said it. Absolutely terrified of having baby #2. I was terrified the whole time I was pregnant with Madelyn, but in a different way. I'm up at night, sometimes for hours, thinking of different scenarios of things that could go wrong. I'm afraid that all of my negative thoughts will have an effect on baby #2. Can that happen? I hope not, b/c if so I'm giving birth to the next Tim Burton, which come to think of it, might not be a terrible thing.

-I'm scared. Alot of sad things have happened really close to home and I don't know how to deal with them, so I just don't. And that is bad. If you don't think about it, it doesn't exist, or it never happened. That is how I deal. That is not the correct way of dealing.

-I'm selfish. I know that we're all on the "time left with Madelyn until #2 gets here" clock. But I feel like I'm the only one that it should matter to. I'm her Mom, so I'm the only one that is affected by it.

-I'm a crybaby. Because I'm hormonal. Also..because I think any of you reading this (male or female) would lose it when your 18 month old toddler climbs in your arms and wants to be rocked to sleep while you sing to her. Ok, you might not lose it right then, but later on when you are blogging you'd tear up while you type about it.

-I'm lucky. That I have a patient husband. Who reminds me when to take a nerve pill, but means it in a nice way instead of telling me I'm just being a slice of crazy. That is constantly telling me to stop worrying (even though he knows that's just not possible) and who is totally positive that everything will work out right. I mean I know it will, and I know that what will be will be, I just wish I could have more of his positive outlook when I'm so scared. That even though we can't really afford it will stop on his way home from work and get me a cheeseburger, just to hear me complain about how it doesn't taste good b/c my silly pregnant body has jacked up my tastebuds. Who loves me in spite of me.

-I'm okay. And that's about the best I can describe it, but I think it's due in part to my testimony, that yes, even though I'm (by church standards) inactive I still have. I don't consider myself inactive. I have serious prayer conversations with Heavenly Father every night. I still read my scriptures (when I'm alone and able to concentrate on them). And I know we'll get to the temple one day. I know the Church is true, and I know I'm okay. I know I'll be ok. I know things will be ok. I'm ok with letting Him be in charge.

I think I've got it all out now. And I swear I can smell cat pee....